So I’m already noticing how different (and yet the same) this pregnancy is from my first one. The main difference is me. The nausea and fatigue early on were there last time, too. But this time around, there’s not this anticipation that my whole world is going to change. Even though it will, of course. But going from zero babies in the house to having a baby was just about epic for me. I still feel clueless sometimes, but I guess it’s not as scary this time since I know I’ve survived childbirth and having a newborn once before. (Even though let me be clear that childbirth is still rather terrifying to me. I try not to think about it.)
But of course, last time I didn’t have a toddler running around the house and Jeff didn’t have such a long commute. Those two factors are pretty noticeable at the moment. All of it’s manageable, but I want to more than just manage this. I want to remember it. This is epic experience #2 for me, after all. Another baby. More change. A new life to know and love. In some ways it’s less scary; in some ways it’s more overwhelming. How will I balance everything? If I’m so tired right now, what about when I’m getting up all night feeding the new baby? Will Ash ever be potty-trained? If so, when is that miracle going to occur? I wish it would hurry up.
In the back of my mind are other questions. I was talking to my mom this week about the fact that we live super close to a huge Care and Share facility and how I wish I had time to volunteer or get involved over there. I’m wondering at what point in my life I’ll be able to do those things again. Helping others is important to me and Jeff. But you can only spread yourself so thin before it’s going to show in ways you don’t want it to. Like your relationships. So I remind myself that there is a time and a season for everything in life. My time now is meant for my family. Nurturing Ash and protecting the little one inside me. I’m also working/editing and thinking about our upcoming move. And that’s enough. With my emotional upheaval and sinking energy level, I can’t take much more than that right now. And I think I’ve got to recognize my own limitations. While keeping in mind that this is one season in my life. There will be others. But rushing through them to reach what’s next isn’t really living. It’s just rushing. And for me, these are not moments to rush. They are the moments that make up a life. My life.
I was thinking about my sister Laura this week. She’s 17. I was thinking about how she’s in the process of becoming who she’s going to be as an adult. There are times I wish I could go back to being 17 and tell myself what not to do during that process. But it occurred to me that becoming who we are is really an ongoing process. There are things about me that have changed just in the last few years. Significant things. Major changes. It’s ongoing–this process of growing and changing. And to me, that gives us hope. We can always get better, stronger, wiser, healthier. We keep growing into the people we’ll be at the end of our lives. It’s a good thing. So I’m reminding myself today that “For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.” (Eccl. 3:1)